


beautifully unfinished

by emilia_kaisa



Series: advent challenge 2019 [13]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21772450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: ‘Cause every time I’m with youSomehow I forget to breatheYou got me like a rag dollNow I’m dancing on your stringAnd I keep trying to figure out who you are to me
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: advent challenge 2019 [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559338
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	beautifully unfinished

**Author's Note:**

> Song: 'Beautifully unfinished' by Ella Henderson.

_Sunday raindrops_

_Clock goes tick, tock_

_I hate myself for staring at the phone_

_Kept all your texts, can’t erase them_

_I’d call you up but I know you’re not alone_

_I know that I should not hold on_

_So why can’t I let go?_

It would be so much easier, to let go.

It would be, if Yuzuru knew how to do it.

* * *

Weekends are so terribly lonely, they always are, since they moved to Toronto all these years back. On weekends he barely trained, a session or two, but for the most of time he would be sitting in his room, studying or playing or watching something, always, always alone.

His mom somehow managed to form a life for herself in Toronto, signing up for an English course to polish her skills, and for some physio classes, and she has always something to do on the weekends after taking care of the house, and she always tries to convince Yuzuru to do something as well, go to see a movie, or just for a simple walk.

Sometimes Yuzuru agrees, because he wants to make her smile, but on most days he chooses to sit in his room alone, surrounded by silence, safe and familiar, wrapped around him like a blanket.

It’s one of these days, now, and Yuzuru is sitting on the floor, books and notebooks around him, his laptop open as he’s trying to focus and get some of his homework done, but he’s feeling strange, uneasy, as if something was off. He can’t really pinpoint what’s wrong, but it doesn’t let him work, so some time he sighs and gives up; he moves to the bed, sighing as he stretches his body a little before taking his phone, hoping that maybe some mindless entertainment would let him get back to normal.

He should know better.

He can’t quite control his fingers, and his heart starts beating rapidly as he looks through his messages, knowing very well what he will find there.

_ < Congratulations Javi, I knew you could do this!- _

followed by a string of emojis, and Yuzuru remembers how he asked Jason to write it for him on a piece of paper, just to be extremely sure he would get it right.

_ > Thank you! Hope to see you soon :) _

Yuzuru keeps on staring at the words, feeling tears gathering in his eyes, but he doesn't look away, as if it was physically impossible.

Soon hasn't happened yet, and Yuzuru feels like his heart is going to break everytime he thinks about it. He knows that Javi is busy now, with press and everything, basking in the attention his countrymen are finally giving him.

And Yuzuru is proud of him, he truly is, but it doesn't stop his heart from breaking.

Usually he is able to keep these feelings at bay, professional at hiding them, but during days like that, with no witnesses, he could bare his soul raw, if even just for a moment.

And during days like that, he couldn't help but go back to that quiet January afternoon when he was sitting in a quiet locker room, watching Javi pack his things, his chest so tight with emotions he could barely breathe, trying to suppress all these feelings he was trying so hard to keep hidden.

"Okay, I think that's all." Javi said, casually, as if it was just any other day "Hey, you want to get some coffee, I-"

Yuzuru kissed him, putting out there all the feelings he never dared to day, a desperate move that was doomed since the very beginning.

Javi sighed deeply before gently pulling away, but still keeping Yuzuru close, and then kissing his forehead, whispering something in raspy Spanish.

They didn't went for a coffee, because Yuzuru basically ran away, an he is still regretting that, and during long sleepless nights he can still feel Javi's lips on his.

_You left your kiss like a bruise on my lips_

_Your fingerprints are tattooed on my skin_

_And hush now, don’t cry_

_Build your walls high_

_And don’t you dare come creeping in_

_‘Cause you’re the one that I can’t lose_

_You’re the one that I can’t win_

Yuzuru knows he never stood a chance. Or maybe he did, long time ago, but then decided to play blind and dumb, and the Javi was leaving, and Yuzuru's heart was breaking, all the possibilities and chances falling apart into thousands of pieces.

And now, he is here, in his bed, phone heavy in his hand and tears streaming down his face, and once again he wishes he could just let go, snap his fingers, stop loving Javi so hopelessly and painfully.

But he can't, he can't, he truly can't.

_And I hate you, and I love you_

_And I wish you’d go away_

_And I hate you, and I love you_

_And I wish that you would stay_

Yuzuru closes his eyes, and breathes. 

It's not their fault, that things are like this. 

That their story is just a mix of missed chances and opportunities they let go. And maybe it isn't affecting Javi, but it is affecting Yuzuru, making him dwell on everything that isn't his, and probably never will be. 

_‘Cause every time I’m with you_

_Somehow I forget to breathe_

_You got me like a rag doll_

_Now I’m dancing on your string_

_And I keep trying to figure out who you are to me_

_But maybe all that we are meant to be_

_Beautifully unfinished_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
